"Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"

"I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."

"You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."

"Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."

"You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."

"My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."

"It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."

"We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."

and the Number 1 Worst Breakup Excuse...

"I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."