You have the bladder capacity of five people

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience

You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air

Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call

You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located

You think caffeine should be available in IV form

You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .O8

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around

People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places … and you know where it’s located

You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession

A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear

You’ve have written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you

You find humor in other people’s stupidity

You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten

You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight.”